What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 06:10
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
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Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
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The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
What did i know ?
Do guys ever want to suck a dick even though they are straight?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I will be 64.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
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And who doesn’t know suffering?
I don,t even have a pension.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
We all went to grammer schools
I waited trembling.
What was your embarrassing moment in front of your father-in-law as an Indian daughter-in-law?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Do you enjoy cheating on your spouse? If so, why?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
So, i spoilt her more .
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My life is so biszare .
My family never makes their pension either.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
As a guy, how do you know you if you are considered attractive?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He knew the spot.
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She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But it wasn’t much.
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Especially a lifetime of it.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She wouldn,t have been !
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Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
So whats the point in blame.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But, we were locked up after school.
She married twice! .
He resisted the act ,that day.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I couldn’t, believe it.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She loved him until the end.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I write beautiful poetry .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Im still living with it.
Ive learnt so much.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
It was going to be , some day.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
We were not on the streets..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I was scared of men, in general
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She found it foreign!.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I was seconnd youngest,
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
All the time i was locked up.
I was very sick at this time too.
When she asked me how she looked .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
One cannot live in the past .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Was to survive, this bastard.
She was in good health!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But ive been too sick for many years..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
And i lived it daily.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I have no regrets .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Why did i forgive my father ?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Who then, do I blame.?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I said to her
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Put me off passion for life!!
Would this be the day?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
(And it was in our own minds.)
This is soul school!.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I did it because my mum asked me too!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Comes on , in middle age.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I think the readers, may guess!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I was 9 years of age.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.